Home is Where the Moon Sets (From Flower Blog Two: Stories From Down Under)

Had someone told me five years ago that after living in Vail for awhile I would think the best way to celebrate the end of a winter season is to spend a few days camping and playing in Moab, Utah, I would have been skeptical. When I moved to Vail sleeping in a tent and not showering for a few days did not excite me (click here to read about my first camping trip in Colorado on Flower Blog). Five years later and I found myself squeezing in a 4-day trip to Moab between finishing work, packing my life into a very small storage unit, and tying knots in all the ends that needed to be tied before I leave Vail for Australia. And it was worth it.

The view from my tent in Moab, Utah

There’s something exhilarating and cleansing about that annual pilgrimage of Vail residents to the high desert. It’s the moment when everyone breathes a collective sigh of relief that the chaos of winter has ended. People let their hair down. They whoop and laugh loudly on the river and continue to eat, drink, and be merry into the night while gathered around big campfires. It’s a big familial celebration and always a good time.

I was sitting around the campfire on the last night of the trip this year watching my friends, many of whom have become family to me over the years, laugh and talk and I realized that I was home. Not home in Moab but home with these people and home in moments like that. This epiphany shocked me at first. I’ve called Vail home over the years but I’ve also called Michigan home, although somewhere during the past year or so I believe I stopped calling Michigan home. I never expected Vail to become home, never knew when I moved there that it would become home. But that’s what it is, and not just because all of my stuff’s there or because I have a 970 area code or a Colorado driver’s license; because those aren’t really the things that make a place home. It’s the people you love and the experiences you share with them that make a place home, that shape who you are and tie your heart to a place.

Vail has a very transient population and I realized early in my time there that as long as I live there I would always be saying good-bye to people. I hate that. Good-byes are exhausting. I learned quickly that these farewells had to be quick and, sometimes, even a little impersonal. A hug and a “see you later” and that’s all that’s needed, especially because I’ve also realized that many of the people who leave come back. Vail has that kind of pull on folks.

With the end of this year’s Moab trip came my turn to say good-bye. This time I was on the opposite end of quick hugs and “see you laters.” It was harder for me than I thought it would be to be the one leaving and I almost wanted everyone to be sadder to see me go.

The morning I left Vail was cold and clear. It was 4:30 in the morning and I went outside to take the trash out before my 5:00 am airport shuttle arrived. It was still dark, right before the first hints of daylight arrive, and the moon was incredible. It was setting in the west over the mountains and it was glowing and huge. It felt like a little “see you later” from Vail. And it struck me that there was no need for myself or anyone else to be sadder to see me go because the best thing about knowing where home is, is that you can and will always find yourself there again. And, if home really is with the people you love, and the people you love are scattered around the globe, then you’re really never that far away from home.

Christmas Letter 2005

Greetings:

I’m currently finding myself in the midst of my first holiday season away from home. And, while good friends and Rocky Mountain paradise surround me, I’m a bit nostalgic for Christmastimes past. There are certain Flower family holiday traditions that can only be shared at home, however there are a couple I’ve found I can preserve on my own. The first is listening to Christmas music for the entire month of December. The second is writing my very own Christmas letter in a way I can only hope will make my father proud. With that I give you the past year of my life (and a how-to for stepping out on your own for the first time).


Make the decision to move away from home, let it twist and turn in your head, pray it’s the right one, and hope that Colorado’s the Promised Land they say it is. Remember that it’s been almost a year now since you graduated from college and that, as much as you love Mom, Dad, and working at that little local coffee shop, as scary as this move is, you have a nagging hunger to see what else it out there. Write your last article for Allegan County Living magazine and make one last vanilla latte for your favorite regular. Send your resume to the Starbucks in Vail, get hired over the phone, and promise them you’ll be there by May.

The day when you have to say good-bye to your sisters, brother, cats, dog and mom will come way too fast. Cry when you hug your mom, she’ll hold you so tight it hurts a little, hug her back just as tightly.

You’ll feel a little nervous on the car ride to Colorado but mostly you’ll find it strange that you feel so confident, so assured that this is right. As you pass through Iowa, Nebraska, and into Eastern Colorado realize that you have, indeed, discovered the Middle-of-Nowhere. Try to call Rand McNally to let him know where to mark it on the map. Don’t be surprised when you can’t get through because you don’t have cell service.

Naturally your stomach will flutter a bit as you near Denver, but don’t worry, as soon as you start winding up through those majestic mountains in the distance, you’ll feel at home.

Try not to cry too much when you have to say good-bye to your dad.

Start your new job right away and love it because your co-workers are great and the atmosphere there is more that of a small-town coffee shop than a Starbucks. You’ll be promoted to Shift Supervisor within the first month.

Be in awe of your surroundings in that little mountain resort town. You’ll mostly be in the company of your boyfriend and his buddies. Try to keep up with them. Go for lots of hikes in those first few weeks, huff and puff as your lungs try to acclimate to the altitude. Don’t cry or complain when thorny weeds scratch deep into your legs or when you slip on a rock crossing a stream and bruise your shin. Get over the layer of dirt that has covered your entire body and keep trekking. Take note of your surroundings, of rushing waterfalls, alpine lakes, sapphire skies, and blooming wildflowers. Be humbled by it all.

Go camping at a place that has no modern plumbing. Sleep in a tent, cook over the fire, don’t shower for a couple days, and love it. These camping adventures will take you swimming in the Colorado River, bathing in natural hot springs, and star-gazing under a sparkly black blanket you never knew existed. Wish on more shooting stars under those brightly lit nights than you ever have before.

The summer won’t be all fun and games. You’ll be homesick, particularly after seeing your family when they come out to bring your brother to college. You’ll miss your girlfriends and your old job. You’ll miss all the things about home that you hated when you were living there.

Turn 23 in September and wonder if you’re a grown-up yet.

Plan a trip with your boyfriend to visit home in the fall. Decide to also visit Seattle and San Francisco and everything in between. A month or so before you depart for this trip quit your job at Starbucks because, somewhere around July, it stopped being fun and you didn’t move to Colorado to work, at least not at a lousy job. Decide to work at Bailey’s, the little Vail Resorts-owned coffee shop on top of the mountain.

In Seattle visit the Pike’s Place Market and see the famous fish-tossing fishermen. Stop by the first Starbucks and listen to the street musicians playing outside. It will rain a lot all the way down the coast. Appreciate all that you see anyway. You’ll touch the Pacific Ocean for the first time, drive through a redwood, and cross the Golden Gate Bridge. Oh, and don’t forget to have lunch with your dad once you reach San Francisco, he’ll be there on business.

Once you’re back in Vail snow will start to fall and you’ll begin making friends with all the people who have moved there for the winter. Start riding the gondola up the mountain to work every day and taking snowboarding lessons on your days off. You’ll soon see more snowfall in one week than you’ve seen in two months in Michigan. After the storms pass the sun will shine for days on end.

Realize on the way home from work one night, while you’re sitting alone in a gondola car watching the rising moon cast a soft glow on fresh powder as it peeks over the mountains, that you’re content. Realize that this is true even though you still miss your friends and family sometimes, that this is true even though you can’t be with them on Christmas. Something in the moon will remind you that you’re never too far away from the ones you love, and for that reason you can find joy in this holiday season away from home.

Have a blessed Christmas and New Year.

Love,
Tracey

Jump

It was during my first summer in Colorado, on one of my first camping trips, that I found myself standing on the edge of a fifty-foot cliff that hovered over the Colorado River prepared to jump. When we first arrived at the spot I feigned excitement when my male companions realized this was the ideal spot for cliff jumping, encouraged them to go for it, and settled into a nearby hot spring.

As I watched them leap off the edge, splash, and sink into the water once, twice, three times I began to get inspired. They emerged each time laughing and looking alive and refreshed. I wondered how it feels to be floating in air for that split second, to meet the cold quick-moving water with such speed and force. It seemed like one of those once-in-a-lifetime deals, jumping from a cliff in the sparkling Colorado sunshine, landing in the renowned Colorado River. I thought about it to the point where I knew if I didn’t do it I’d regret it. I suggested to the other female camping with us that weekend that we make like the boys and jump. She thought it was a fabulous idea and we decided we’d at least make our way to the top of the cliff and look down.

I became even more inspired when we got to the top. We were at a cliff-lined bend in the river, a Union Pacific train whistled past on a cliff on the other side of the river then disappeared into a tunnel, traveling a path paved long ago. I wondered how long it had taken the river to shape this cliff to make it a good jumping spot. I wondered if this had been the perfect jumping spot back when the Union Pacific railroad tracks were first constructed and if ancient versions of ourselves, donned in dusty bathing costumes, had found this place long before we had.

Looking down, down, down at the water I cleared my mind of cluttered thoughts and concentrated only on summoning the courage to jump. Just thinking about it now, recalling the height, the feel of the warm rocky ground my feet were clinging to, makes my stomach tumble. My companion and I counted to four (because three is just not enough time), took a deep breath, and leapt.

I remember floating in air for a brief moment, my stomach fluttering somewhere in my head. I remember hitting the water. I remember the pain. I jumped with what the guys were quick to point out was “the wrong form” and hit the water hard. The water was cold and swirling and the force with which I hit ripped my eyes open and twisted my bathing suit in an unflattering way. I kicked my way to the surface and grabbed onto the closest, sturdiest rock. I was shaking, laughing uncontrollably, and praying the pain would leave me quickly. The guys told me when I first surfaced the look on my face was that of pure panic. I assured them that the feeling in my gut at that moment was that of pure panic.

Under the stars that night I reflected on the day. I had spent the year after college, before moving to Vail, on the edge of a cliff, waiting and wishing for the courage to jump. I had felt unable to move in any direction, with no motivation to observe or create. It wasn’t a horrible place to be, on the edge of a cliff looking over the beauty and possibility in front of me, knowing it was only a quick leap away. The ground under my feet was sturdy and familiar, comforting. But, I have found, I can only stand on the edge of a cliff for so long before I start to fear falling or being pushed against my will, or worse, before I lose my courage. So because I didn’t want an opportunity to pass, because it was either jump or step away from the cliff, I counted to four and I leapt.

RE: Lions and Tigers and Bears, DATE: June 25, 2005

My dad has taught me more about writing than any book, class, or professor. We email frequently and I’ve saved many of our messages. The following is an email I wrote him during my first summer in Vail and is one of my favorites.


Dad:

I recently had my first genuine Colorado camping experience. It was more along the lines of mosquitoes and mountain lions and coyotes than lions, tigers, and bears. And to be honest I didn’t see any mountain lions or coyotes, or many mosquitoes for that matter. I’m confident, though, that the mosquitoes were there because I have more bites than I’ve had since sixth grade camp. As for the coyotes, I heard them howling throughout the night and I must say I’m rather happy to not have met one. And I neither saw nor heard a mountain lion, however, while hiking around Rifle Falls I saw a sign instructing parents to keep their children close around dusk and dawn as this is mountain lion country and they are likely to attack around those times.

Printed on the sign was a list of instructions on what to do if a mountain lion does attack. Among other things you should first try to act larger than you are (in an attempt to scare away the larger-than-life predator I assume). If that doesn’t work (which why the heck shouldn’t it? It seems completely logical) you ought to try throwing rocks at it, or, go ahead and fight back if it should come to that because, as the sign reminds visitors, “people can fight off mountain lion attacks.” It made it seem as logical and as common as “Only you can prevent forest fires.” Of course you are not, under any circumstances to run away from a mountain lion. Now I suppose I understand the logic behind that one, we all know mountain lions love moving targets and they are fast, those devils, but I gotta tell you it would take a lot of self-control and clear-mindedness in the heat of the moment to remind myself I shouldn’t run.

I later saw a sign posted on a dumpster warning guests to keep their trash out of the way of bears and I wondered who might win in a fight between a bear and a mountain lion. I tossed the question out to my fellow campers and we all pondered it (one of the deepest deep thoughts of the weekend). We came to no solid conclusion, but my money’s on the mountain lion, unless, of course, the bear has read the “How to Survive a Mountain Lion Attack” sign. I can only imagine what would happen if a bear started chucking rocks at a mountain lion. I hope I never encounter either beast, or a coyote for that matter. It was enough of a thrill for me to just ponder what if.

That was last week’s trip. It definitely took some convincing to get me to go along. This might surprise you but I’m not exactly the camping sort. I don’t get all excited thinking about sleeping on the ground in a tent, taking late-night hikes, and bringing a roll of toilet paper along just in case. But the boys found another girl to join us, a lake we could swim in, and somehow I found myself committed. And while the campsite left something to be desired––it was dusty with little shade––there were outhouses with toilet paper and I found them to be tolerable if I breathed out of my mouth. The ground was rocky and I’m not a fan of tents but the lake was amazing, an oasis in a mountain desert. That combined with the Rocky Mountain backdrop and I easily forgot that I couldn’t take a shower for a couple days.

And I even went along for a midnight hike (ok so I complained the whole way up but at least I went). It was a sacred moment, lying on my back on top of a hill under a star-spangled sky. There were more stars than I’ve ever seen. Andy got out his harmonica and started playing (he’s not at all good, barely knows how to play, but there’s something about the eerie sound of a harmonica that’s almost sweet and it seems you don’t really have to know how to play it to make music with it). Those oddly sweet notes drifted up into the silence, melting with the Milky Way, blending into my thoughts.

Falling stars darted across the sky and I felt so small, so humbled on top of that little mountain, in the midst of much bigger mountains. I felt part of something larger than myself and I started to understand what this summer is about. It’s not about trying to prove I can be one of the guys. It’s not about working and making money. It’s not about making a ton of new friends or even about re-inventing myself. It’s about moments like that one.

The next day, while sitting next to the lake, I decided I like camping. I don’t like sleeping on the ground, eating hot dogs for every meal, or boiling water for drinking, but if camping involves breath-taking views and life-lessons then I enjoy it. I enjoy it enough, in fact, to do it again, which I did but that’s another story for another time. I will tell you, though, that on my second camping trip I didn’t brush my teeth at all and only brushed my hair once, I’m a regular mountain woman now. I even slept under a sky full of bats. Now that’s the stuff adventures are made of.

I’m off to bed now, off to Starbucks again in the morning, I’m just hoping my knowledge of how to deal with a mountain lion attack will come in handy when dealing with the rich and privileged.

Love, Tracey