Growing up in Neverland

by Tracey Flower

Peter Pan: “Forget them, Wendy. Forget them all. Come with me where you'll never, never have to worry about grown up things again.” 
Wendy: “Never is an awfully long time.”

Anyone who has lived in Vail for even one ski season will agree that this place is Neverland. Time and age seem to not exist here in this happy valley in the middle of the Rockies. People are youthful despite the fact that many suddenly wake up one day and realize five or even ten years have gone by since they moved here for one ski season. One friend of mine attributes the youthful appearance of valley residents to both the high altitude and the fact that folks around here enjoy a drink or two; “they pickle themselves with alcohol,” he says. Whatever it is youth does seem to flow like a fountain here and it’s easy to feel like we’re living in a bubble where we’re impervious to the stresses of the real world.

The other night I met a small group of friends for drinks to celebrate the marriage of two dear friends. The sun was setting over distant peaks and as we chatted and laughed over appetizers and big glasses of wine I realized something shocking; we’re all growing up.

It shouldn’t have come as a surprise, a look back at my life and the lives of my friends in the past couple years hints that real world adult stuff has been seeping through the protective shield of our bubble for awhile now; there was a devastating house fire, the death of a sibling, and some gut-wrenching break-ups. I had no idea the bubble was so weak (it must be the altitude).

The realization that we’re all growing up has stuck with, or rather haunted, me all week. And, to be honest, it’s made me feel a bit sorry for myself. Everyone is moving on. People are getting married, moving away, moving up in careers, and more and more just doing their own thing. And here I am, stuck. Back where I was a year ago, penniless and heartbroken.

My job at Starbucks has agitated this feeling. I’m back working at the same place I worked when I moved here five years ago. And, regardless of the fact that the events that have put me in this place at this time were out of my control, it seems like every part of my life has gone backwards at the moment and it’s depressing and humiliating.

I was walking home from work yesterday in the mid-July heat, sweaty, sticky and smelling of coffee, battling with all these thoughts and more when a strange quiet voice spoke up in the midst of them all. The voice encouraged me to compare my life now to my life last time I worked at that very same Starbucks (and I try not to make a habit of listening to all the voices in my head but this one seemed friendly so I obliged). And it occurred to me that despite of the events of the past couple months, I’m more content with my life and myself now than I was then. So, as it turns out, I too am growing up in Neverland.


Want to read about my life during that first summer five years ago? Check out Jump, Lions and Tigers and Bears, and Life With Boys.

Two Months

by Tracey Flower

“When grief is fresh, every attempt to divert only irritates. You must wait till it be digested, and then amusement will dissipate the remains of it.”  ~Samuel Johnson

I realized yesterday that I have been home for exactly one month. I also realized that it has been two months since everything fell apart. Two months. Every second of those months felt like an eternity but now when I stand looking back at them I’m shocked that it has already been two months.

Hello again Vail. The Gore Range from my balcony.

A friend of mine said to me the other day that she’s glad I’m back and it feels like I never left. I feel the opposite. To my friends I was only gone for a little over a month, which I understand is an insignificant amount of time when life is carrying on as it has been with few glitches or bumps; at the end of which they were all pretty much the same as they were at the start. For me, on the other hand, that month changed everything and my first thought in response to my friend’s comment was along the lines of I feel like I’ve been gone for a lifetime because every day I feel the weight of the events of that month and every day they affect me.

Two months, two seconds even, can change everything and, as I pick myself up off the floor and start moving forward again I take comfort in that fact because I have a glimmer of hope that sometimes the change that comes is good. My life is still turned upside down and still changing but I have lived through the last two months and I will live through the next two.

And just as I will keep living I will keep writing. Flower Blog will continue to grow and change the more I live and learn and I hope you will continue to read as that happens. Please feel free to share your comments and suggestions to me along the way.

Like this post? You might also enjoy One Sunset at a Time.