The Last One

"All I can say is, it's worth the struggle to discover who you really are and how you, in your own way, can put life together as something that means a lot to you." ~Mister Rogers (whose words are as relevant to me now as they were when I was 5).

This is my last post on Flower Blog.

I turn 30 in just a few short weeks. I am ready for it. And that kind of surprises me. A year ago, the rapidly approaching end of my twenties made me feel slightly queasy as I frantically took stock of where I’d been and where I was going, mentally adding up all the should be’s on my By the Time I Turn 30 List. I asked myself repeatedly what the hell did you do with yourself for the last decade and where are you supposed to be right now?

The answer came to me slowly and not all at once; but it came through loud and clear.

Exactly where you are right. Now.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now
(especially if that place is on top of a mountain).

I spent 29 with that list in the back of my mind, doing everything I could to pull my life together into what it was supposed to be by the time I turn 30. I applied for a job as Development and Marketing Associate with the Vail Symposium, and I got it. I came up with a financial plan to get myself out of debt once and for all so I can travel instead of daydreaming about travel, and so I can stop complaining about not having a car and just buy one already. I ticked some small adventures off my bucket list and did more yoga. I grew comfortable and more confident with myself and found myself enjoying being single, rather than lamenting it.

About a month ago I realized there was nothing left on the list, and not because I had ticked everything off, but because the list simply didn’t exist anymore. I realized I don’t need the deadline of a birthday to accomplish my goals, or any other deadline for that matter. I’m constantly growing and changing, and constantly working toward my goals, and, at any given moment, I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

And now, with just a few weeks to go until I turn 30, I feel at peace with leaving behind the (wonderful) chaos of my twenties for a new decade (which I have no doubt will be filled with its own boughts of wonderful chaos).

My twenties have been a heartbreakingly beautiful madness of mistakes and corrections, of lessons and stumbling around searching for answers—much of which has been documented here on Flower Blog.

Six months ago I started feeling stuck with this blog, I lost my motivation to write for it. Every thing I did attempt to write felt forced and generic, and it all started to feel like a chore. This summer I even tried starting a new blog, except it was still Flower Blog, just in a different spot. I deleted it yesterday. It just didn’t work. My frustration has been mounting with it all, and I’ve been trying to figure out what to do differently, what to do to make it fun and interesting again. 

Recently it hit me.

It doesn’t work anymore not because it’s broken, but because it has come to the end. Flower Blog has been written. This is the story of my twenties. It is a story that at times I knew I was writing, chronicling adventures and moments from the past, and at times I wrote because it was the only thing I could do to survive in that moment. It’s all here.

Reading back through some of my favorites is like flipping through a scrapbook:

Romanian Mami

Breathe

Grandpa Flower (my Grandpa Flower passed away in February. The memories captured in this post are even sweeter to me now than they were when I wrote this post a few years ago.)

Where there are no Cornfields

Birthday Weather

Some of these memories are painful to remember, but beautiful in their pain, and so very important to my story:

Home is Where the Moon Sets

When Plans Change

Why Melbourne? Why Now?

My Book Café

And Home Again

On Goals, Forgiveness and Turning 28

A Little Thanks

And a few more snapshots of moments and memories:

Flower Blog Turns Two

My Word

Had a Bad Day?

A New Season

What I’m Not and Other Mini Confessions

I started Flower Blog to hold me accountable to my writing. It certainly did that. I feel more motivated now than ever to write. That I have grown as a writer through writing this is undeniable. I am ready for a new challenge now. Whether that means starting a new blog or finally sitting down to write a book, or both, I’m not sure. But I am sure that I will keep writing, and I will continue to share my words. Thank you for finding me here, and for reading. It has been a pleasure to have you on this journey with me. Until we meet again (and I certainly hope that we do), cheers.

~Tracey 

A New Season

by Tracey Flower

It’s that time of year again. Fall. The Vail Valley is glowing with it. It’s a new season, and my favorite one at that.

A new season means time for fresh starts. I love this time of year for that. Life in Vail is lived season to season, and for many of us here the end of a summer or winter season means the end of one job and the start of a new one. This can be, at times, a very frustrating way of life; no one makes much money here and there’s always a pause when one job ends and another begins, a few weeks with no work, no income.

There’s also beauty in that pause. There’s always a moment to travel, to relax, to slow down and, especially in fall, time to squeeze in all your favorite summer activities just one last time before the snow settles in for the next eight months.

There’s also time to reflect and refresh before the next major season (that would be summer or winter around here) starts. Time to prepare for the fresh start that a new season brings. I relish this time and always appreciate the opportunity to start anew.

Fall also marks a new year in my life. I celebrated my last twenty-something birthday (gulp) a week ago. 

I don’t get overly anxious about aging; there’s nothing I can do about it and the alternative to aging is, well, death, so I’ll just go ahead and get older thank you very much. BUT there is something intimidating about 30, and something daunting about coming into the last year of my twenties.

It’s that 30 sounds grown-up. Not old. Just adult. Bonafide grown-up. Like maybe I should have my life together somehow by then.

I doubt I will.

And I’m sure a year from now I’ll find a way to be OK with that.

In the meantime, however, I’d like to take this moment to share some goals I have for myself for the next year, things to work toward in this new season (and things to achieve before the big 3-0).

1. I want to go to Africa a year from now. There are a billion places I want to travel to. Africa is at the top of that list. It’s been awhile since I planned and ventured out into the world on an epic trip. So there you have it. I’m saving my pennies. Countries and dates to come.
2. I want to expand my professional skills and knowledge by taking some professional development courses at Colorado Mountain College. Specifically those pertaining to social media and Internet marketing. As much as I love new seasons and fresh starts, it would be kind of great to have the same job year-round (and kind of great, too, if that job didn’t involve serving beverages). Taking some classes can’t hurt my chances of finding such a position, right?
3. I want to (learn) to cook more. I heaved a big sigh as I wrote that. This has been a goal of mine for the last several years and, to be honest, seems slightly un-attainable. I love food. I don’t love cooking or spending time in the kitchen. But I’d at least really like to gain some more skills in that area, to have some level of competence in the kitchen and maybe, just maybe, develop an appreciation for the art of it. Encouragement and/or advice on how to go about this is appreciated. 

There they are, just a few humble goals. There’s a handful of others I’m tossing around and considering at the moment as well, but these three are my favorites. I’ll enjoy seeing where they take me and what else comes up along the way.


Cheers, my lovely readers, here’s to a new season!

On Goals, Forgiveness, and Turning 28

by Tracey Flower

“Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course we wouldn’t fall in love or have babies or be who we are. After all seasons change. So do cities. People come into you life and people go. But it’s comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart and, if you’re very lucky, a plane ride away.” ~The ever-wise, albeit fictional, Carrie Bradshaw (“Sex and the City”)


Many folks take the start of a new calendar year as an opportunity for fresh starts and change. Personally I think it’s more appropriate to make resolutions on my birthday. It feels more natural to take stock of my life that time of year, to review lessons learned in the past year, and to make a few goals for the year ahead.

A year ago last week (my birthday was Tuesday) I turned 27 and decided I was going to make the year all about me (The Year of Flower I called it in my journal and aloud to a select group of friends). I don’t have any dependents, not even a dog or a goldfish, to rely on me; my life in general is already pretty much all about Tracey, but for most of my adult life (aka my life since college) I have been in some form of a relationship. I moved to Colorado for a boyfriend and shortly after we broke up I started another serious relationship and, as my 27th birthday approached, I started to get the feeling I wasn’t totally making decisions for my life based on what I wanted and needed.

My birthday last year came just days after the guy I was in love with left Vail to move home to Australia. Our relationship over the past few months had been complicated and tumultuous and because I was so invested in, so wrapped up in, him emotionally I found my day-to-day actions and decisions were heavily influenced by him. It seemed like the perfect time, then, when he left and my birthday arrived for me to take charge. 

I made myself a list of goals. First and foremost I was going to get my head straight about that relationship. The first goal I wrote in my journal then was to be “happily single.” We had left things very casual and, although he was on my mind when I wrote that, I was fed up with myself for letting another person inadvertently control my thoughts and decisions to the extent that he had. I also wrote that I wanted to learn to cook, to get fit, to get paid to write, and to travel somewhere new. The Year of Flower was going to be a good one.

The first half of the year, the first third really, went exactly how I had hoped it would (OK except for the cooking part, I’m still working on that one). I will even say it was the happiest, the most content, and the most confident I have been in a long time. The last four months of the year, however, were a complete disaster. Quite honestly they were the worst four months of my life (if you read Flower Blog on a regular basis you know this. If you don’t now’s probably a good time to catch up. Start here). As I approached my 28th birthday last week and mentally reviewed the last year, and checked back in with last year’s goals, I realized I was right smack dab back where I had been a year ago. And that pissed me off.

I got my heart broken. No shattered. No ripped out, stomped on, and shoved back into my chest all achy and torn apart. And for that I was pissed. My anger wasn’t directed at The Guy though; or rather my anger was no longer directed at him (don’t you worry three months ago I was oozing anger toward him). I was pissed off with myself. I was pissed that I let myself, in the year where I was supposed to be taking control, find myself in a position (with a guy who had broken my heart once before) where I could get as hurt as I did. I was pissed that even while I thought I was finding this great balance in my life, while I thought I was being unapologetically selfish and, dare I say it, finding myself, I let my love for this one stupid guy ruin everything. 

My dad told me a few months ago, when I was at my very worst, that even as I struggled to figure out how to forgive The Guy (not because he deserves or even needs my forgiveness but simply because it’s very tiresome to carry around that much anger toward someone for any length of time) that I was also going to have to forgive myself. At the time I had no idea what he meant (the situation wasn’t my fault, I had done nothing wrong). I think I get it now, though.

There’s a line in the book Eat, Pray, Love that goes like this; “To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life.” The author tells herself this when she realizes she has fallen in love with a man after a year spent traveling solo, doing some serious soul-searching, and finding her balance. I agree with that, but I would take it a step further and say sometimes you have to become unbalanced for love even if it means risking your heart. Because apparently, OK admittedly, you'll learn some serious lessons about life and yourself. I don’t know if acknowledging that counts as forgiving myself, because to be honest I’m still a little pissed, but I think maybe it’s a start. And with that shaky start I begin a new year.

Birthday Weather

The weather forecast printed in the “Vail Daily” for tomorrow, September 21, 2009, is bleak. The predicted temperature high is 53 and the low is 29. “Showers by day, mixing with snow at night” is written under a cartoon of a cloudy, rainy sky. Tomorrow is my 27th birthday and it is an appropriate forecast for the day.

My dad has told me that September 21, 1982 was a cold and rainy day. Fall in Michigan, like fall in Colorado, can be spectacular, with vibrant colors, clear blue skies, and temperatures in the 70s. Fall in Michigan, like fall in Colorado, can also be rather miserable, with cold, cloudy days that lead to that freezing rain and snow combination fondly referred to as sleet. The day I was born was a miserable Michigan fall day. It was the kind of weather my family refers to as Tracey’s Birthday Weather, which makes tomorrow’s forecast so appropriate.

It also feels appropriate because it reflects the way I feel at the moment. My birthday this year comes just days after saying good-bye to someone very special to me and I’m a little heartbroken. I’m also flat broke with no employment lined up for the near future. My first thought this morning was that tomorrow is the first birthday in 27 years that I’m not looking forward to.

But then I saw the forecast in the paper. A miserable Colorado fall day. Perfect. See because even though it reflects the way I feel at the moment I love Tracey’s Birthday Weather. I love an excuse to stay home all day wrapped in a blanket and to put on a sweater for the first time in months. I love that coffee just tastes better with the first hint of snow in the air. I find something familiar and comforting in a miserable fall day. It makes me feel safe. Secure. And I can’t think of a better way to feel tomorrow. Because even if I feel a little down at the moment I can’t deny that I’m looking forward to seeing what the next year holds, that I’m excited to live it and to grow and learn. So tomorrow I will enjoy Tracey’s Birthday Weather and I will feel safe, secure, and hopeful. And that is all worth looking forward to.